Be yourself. Do what you do. Leave me the fuck alone.

I realized a long time ago that i wasn't normal.  I would never feel comfortable if i tried to fit in. i think it happened in middle school. at least that's the first most vivid memory i have. the latest fad was the brand mossimo. and i wanted one shirt, just to fit in . the day i wore one to school i remember this sick feeling. like i was a phony. like i wasn't being who i knew i was. it didn't make the class hottie want to make out with me. it didn't make the cool kids suddenly like the chubby nerd. this isn't me bashing on the popular kids from 8th grade. they did what they did and it worked for them.

that's my point. Do what works for you. You re the only one who knows weather you're being true to yourself. let everyone else do what they do. of course you re going to be able to see phonies. but if that's what they think they need to do let em do it. 

this leads into what i really wanted to rant about. Success. everyone has a different definition of what success is. 

Definition of SUCCESS

1

obsolete : outcome, result

2

a : degree or measure of succeedingb : favorable or desired outcome; also : the attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence

3

: one that succeeds

I will not let others define what my favorable or desired outcome is. I will define that.
Recently I've felt as though people look at my life and feel bad for me. like they know that i could do more or be better at life. well fuck them. i just happen to like my life. i like that i haven't cooked a meal in my home in over four months. instead filling my gullet with a steady stream of fast food, convenience store hot dogs of questionable age and what my father calls bachelor food(easily microwaveable food with no real value). i enjoy my tiny shitty roommate free apartment. i like that i instinctively know if i have time to shit before my hot pocket is finished microwaving. I'm ok with going out on a work night to see a show and have a few beers. i like sitting in aforementioned shit hole apartment drinking whisky out of my goodwill teacup, smoking cigarettes and listening to mountain goats records until i nod off on the couch... alone. god forbid. I'm ok with the fact that i hang out with several beautiful women on a (gasp) platonic level. I'm perfectly fine with the fact that we sit and watch cartoons on a saturday night and the thought of making out with me NEVER crosses their mind(that I'm aware of anyway). No i don't care that I'm single because i love being alone.  I'm in no rush to get married probably because I'm selfish and don't like the idea of having to ask or run my plans past someone. I'm terrified of children because they require time and effort. and both marriage and children would seriously screw up my routine of shows and booze. records and booze. cartoons and girl talk. and my gloriously sketchy eating habits.

If i were to pursue the norm of marriage and kids, just because that's what society say a normal 27 year old should do,  i would feel the same way i did in 8th grade. filthy. fraudulent. and wrong. but if that's what works for you. go for it. live your life the way you feel right. its the only one you've got. and you re the only one who can decide if you did it right. and if you feel like you re not doing it right. change it. there's still time.

oh and if you think im living life wrong. do me a favor. Leave me the fuck alone.